


Failing in the eyes of someone else

by veretianblue (clptr)



Category: Fence (Comics)
Genre: Absentee father, Aiden POV, M/M, anxiety attack, fencing tournament
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 01:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20219842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clptr/pseuds/veretianblue
Summary: At Regionals, Aiden has to face some issues. But even after that, the crisis isn’t over…





	Failing in the eyes of someone else

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Fence Crack Week 2019. The prompt was “Daddy issues”.
> 
> Title taken from Coach Williams’s speech to Nicholas at the beginning of chapter/issue 5. Other lines and quotes that you recognize are also taken from chapter/issue 5.
> 
> Please note that there is an anxiety attack described in the story. 
> 
> Disclaimer: My knowledge of fencing tournaments is limited to Google search results, so this is probably very inaccurate. I both apologize and welcome any info you might have!

“This year we're going to place even higher!” Nicholas exclaims, making his way toward the Regionals registration table. 

“Neither of us have ever been at Regionals," comes Seiji's cool voice. “There’s no previous year to compare against.”

“Seiji, we're part of a team now! Their history has become our history,” Nicholas argues.

Harvard turns to Aiden, slowing his footsteps. "I know the team is better, stronger and more balanced this year. But I’m worried we’re not going to hold together well without Coach Williams and Eugene here. I really wish they they weren’t laid down with a cold.”

“Hey, we have our captain with us,” Aiden points out. “You’ll guide us through. And Coach Lewis can handle all the logistic details, so we can focus on our fencing,” he says, trying to provide support. Harvard deserves all the help Aiden can provide and truth be told, he himself hopes Nicholas isn’t wrong. It’s Harvard and his last year at Kings Row and their last chance to improve on their placement at Regionals. 

***

It’s the usual format where each member of the team fences, in turn, every fencer on the opposing team in bouts that go five points, with the scores carrying over. So winning the five-point bouts is nowhere near as important as making sure the overall points that the team wins are higher than the ones they cede.

Their first matches go great - it’s a breeze for Aiden to read his opponents and, if necessary, unsettle them with a few well-placed words. Seiji is infuriatingly precise in his fencing, which also helps lower the morale of the opposing team. And Harvard… From the glimpses Aiden can catch, since their bouts are at the same time, Harvard is strong and accurate in delivering his attacks, clever in his strategy, and overall fencing better than ever. 

Nicholas is cheering them on from the sidelines and in between bouts he’s trying to convince Seiji to take a break: “I’m just saying, if you’re feeling tired from all those flèches, you can rest here. Don’t worry, I’m ready to take your place!”

“I’m not tired,” Seiji informs him flatly every time. Aiden smirks to himself. Nicholas probably can’t see it, but annoying Seiji like this only helps motivate him more.

As they breeze through the first rounds, it starts to feel like it’s too easy. Aiden needs something to constantly keep his mind busy and these matches just aren’t cutting it. Nicholas is warmed up anyway, so Aiden can just slip away for a break. 

He intends to come back shortly, but gets distracted talking to a well-built spectator that used to fence too. 

He makes his way back into the salle eventually, planning to see if Harvard needs him to take back over from Nicholas and thinking whether to call, uh… Mason? Greyson? later that evening, turning at the last moment to send him a wink in the stands, when his attention is caught by a tall man in a suit. It’s a blond man with a detached air and for a moment Aiden’s heart stops as he thinks his father has come to watch his match. Then the man turns his face and Aiden realizes his mistake, but it’s already too late. His heart is pounding as if to make up for the lost moment and his mind’s awhirl, chasing whys and whens and how could he have been so stupid to assume that.

By the time he gets himself back under control and reaches the Kings Row team, the round-of-32 match has already begun. Seiji is delivering the same precise attacks, Harvard is fencing with all his improved skill, and Nicholas… Aiden freezes as soon as he claps eyes on him. That’s not Nicholas’s usual fencing. It’s wild and imprecise, and it can’t be because of his opponent. The other fencer is good, but not that good. Whatever’s going on is clearly psychological, and also clearly highly affecting Nicholas and even more clearly it means Nicholas isn’t going to win a point this round. Or this entire match, probably. 

And of course, Aiden realizes with a sinking feeling that robs his entire breath, it’s too late to change the line-up. The sheet with the order of the fencers has already been turned in. 

He takes in all three opposing fencers. They’re not brilliant, but they’re solid. And the one Seiji’s fencing right now prefers attacking in the low lines, something Harvard is still working on improving. Harvard might lose points there too, so Aiden does the math as quickly as he can. Seiji ought to bring in the maximum points he can, but Nicholas will lose all of them, which means that all the pressure is on Harvard to not let his opponents score. The thoughts hit him like well-placed fencing strikes. All of pressure. On Harvard. 

Why, why did Aiden have to be late? If the team loses now, it’s all on him. He can see the disappointment on Harvard’s face in his mind’s eye. How he’ll try to cover it up. Say that everyone did their best.

Aiden bites his lip, knowing how untrue that is in his case. Why couldn’t he just have stayed there and helped Harvard?

It’s too crowded in the arena to breathe properly. Aiden turns tail and walks out of the salle as fast as he can, trying to catch his breath.

He finds himself in an empty locker room. He tries to wrestle his thoughts under control, but it’s a losing battle. He doesn’t know how long he’s been there when he hears the door open. It’s Harvard, looking tired as hell. 

Aiden knows that face as well as his own, but even he can’t tell what the current expression means. His heart starts pounding even faster in his chest. He can’t bring himself to utter the question. What if they lost?

“We won,” says Harvard tiredly. “Barely. Something’s up with Nicholas, but he won’t say what. Seiji and Coach Lewis are trying to get an answer out of him now.”

Harvard exhales wearily and then focuses all his attention on him.

“Aiden, what happened?” he asks. Is that worry in his voice? “I know you need space, but you were gone so long…”

Before Aiden even realizes it, the story of the man resembling his father comes tumbling out. He’s pretty sure he’s peppered it with lots of sorry’s for letting Harvard down, too. And finally, the question he has such trouble escaping from bursts out of him.

“What if he does come one day and sees me fail?” Aiden asks in despair.

“Why should that even matter?”

“I don’t know!” It’s getting hard to breathe, harder still to think, impossible to control what he was saying. “I don’t know why I care about failing in his eyes! I don’t know if I’m maybe even more scared of actually succeeding! Because--” he takes a gasping breath to be able to say, “-- what if I fail even worse after that?”

He dimly feels warm, strong hands clasping his firmly. Harvard, trying to pull him back from the brink as usual. Nevermind that he’s not fourteen anymore, like the last time he broke down like this.

“Aiden.” If he could, he’d lean against that warm, reassuring voice and wrap himself in it. “Aiden, listen to me. Breathe. Just... breathe.”

He tries, and fails. 

“Shh, it’s okay. Try again. Breathe out. Breathe in.”

There’s something resembling success this time. Slowly, he gets more air into his lungs. Starts to calm down. Harvard’s right there, talking him through it, physically lending him support. Aiden’s half-leaning, half-plastered over his right side, vaguely wondering if his own heartbeat, still thundering, is reverberating in Harvard’s body. His hand curls by itself in Harvard’s fencing jacket, clutching it as if to never let go again. 

“Aiden, I… I know there isn’t much I can do about your dad. I’m sorry he’s doing this to you. But please never worry about _me_. You can never fail in my eyes.”

As Aiden raises his eyes to Harvard’s, his sight becomes blurry. His mouth is trembling slightly too. He swallows. “Harvard.” There’s still a lump in his throat. “Harvard,” he says again. 

“I’m here,” Harvard says gruffly and grips him tightly across the shoulders. “I’m not going anywhere.”

_Stay_, a voice inside tells Aiden. _Stay here, where it’s safe._ It goes against Aiden’s every instinct. He shifts his shoulders to move away from the embrace, but the arms around him don’t let go. “It’s okay,” Harvard says, and repeats his earlier assurance. “I’m not going anywhere.”

His instincts of fleeing are drowned by the overwhelming certainty that Harvard’s not lying. He can feel that in his entire being. _Harvard’s not lying_. He can stay here, where it’s safe. Maybe for a bit. Maybe… even longer.

***

As they make their way back towards the fencing salle, Aiden’s more settled. Able to focus on different things, too.

“Tell me exactly what happened with Nicholas,” he asks Harvard. 

“He was fine one minute and the next he suddenly went really quiet. His mind seemed to be on something else other than fencing entirely.”

Hmm. Maybe Aiden ought to have a talk with him. When he scans the salle for Nicholas, though, he can’t spot him anywhere. Dante would be useful here, with his height… But there’s always somebody else, too.

“Harvard, you’re taller. Can you see Nicholas?”

“I barely have an inch on you. How does that help?” he replies.

“It still makes you taller,” Aiden shoots back.

“Well, I can’t see him either.”

“Hmm,” Aiden says out loud, and settles on the next best method. “Hey Seiji,” he says, “Have you seen Nicholas?”

It’s not for nothing that Aiden called him a frowny-faced freshman, since Seiji frowns before answering, “I don’t know.”

There’s fortunately no need to actually go look for him, as Nicholas appears from the direction of the bathroom. It seems like whatever Seiji and Assistant Coach Lewis said to him failed to work, since he’s looking thunderously angry. Aiden suspects it’s aimed less at the world and more at himself. 

“Right,” says Harvard, stepping back into his captain role. Aiden loves it when he does that. “It’s round of 16 next. We’ve already made it further than last year - further actually than Kings Row has advanced in many years, so good job to all of you. Now we need to keep going strong! We’re up against Halverton High next, and Sung-chul Park, who’s ranked fourth nationally, is on their team. We can’t let our guard down! We need to fight for every point!” 

Everybody’s eyes are shining, caught up in listening to their captain as much as Aiden is.

“Aiden,” Harvard says. “Are you up for this match?”

Aiden looks him straight in the eyes as he replies, “Yes, captain.” It’s the shortest, clearest answer he has, and he hopes Harvard can hear all the other words behind it. _I want to fence in this match for you. And for myself, too._

***

There’s only so much he can with words, with the referee watching closely. He has to rely on his fencing skills - dammit, maybe he should have come to practice more often - and his ability to read his opponents. 

The Halverton High team is good. Not surprising, since last year they made it all the way to semi-finals.

It’s not going that well for Kings Row. Seiji might be winning every point for them, but so is Sung-chul Park for Halverton High. It’s down to Harvard and Aiden to somehow score more than the other two fencers, and it’s a tall order. As he finishes his bout 3-5, acutely aware of costing their team two points, Aiden looks left towards Harvard. _You can never fail in my eyes_ flashes through his mind. He has to keep going. He suddenly really, really wants to win.

***

Aiden’s épée falls on the piste with a clatter. He’s breathing heavily as he looks at it, unable to pick it up. He removes his fencing mask with his left hand instead and turns (again; always) to Harvard. Their eyes meet and from under all the exhaustion and pain, Aiden finds the strength to summon a faint smile. Harvard’s answering grin is so much wider.

“We did it!” Harvard says, and turns toward the rest of their team. “Kings Row!” he roars. “We made it to quarter-finals!”

He pats everyone on their back on his way to Aiden and stops right in front of him to clasp both his arms.

“Ow!” says Aiden, wrist jostled. 

Harvard’s face falls. “What’s wrong?”

“I… may have overdone it in this last bout?” Aiden says quietly, putting on a sheepish expression and looking up into Harvard’s eyes.

They widen. “Did you push yourself too hard? Just for this one match?”

Aiden manages a tiny smirk. “I really wanted to win this round.”

Assistant Coach Lewis hurries forward to look at Aiden’s wrist and just like that, the elation of their win disappears. She says there’s no chance of Aiden fencing again today.

As one, everybody turns to look at their reserve. He hasn’t won a point today, but what other choice do they have?

“Nicholas, you have to fence in the next match,” Harvard tells the boy who is looking like he’d rather be anywhere but on the piste. Aiden narrows his eyes. 

Maybe Aiden can’t fence right now, but there’s still something he can do.

“Why don’t let me have a chat with Nicholas here?” he says.

“Sure,” Harvard replies, but as he herds Seiji away he also shoots Aiden a warning look that Aiden meets with his most innocent face. He gets an unamused raised eyebrow in return for his efforts.

Aiden turns to the sullen boy next to him and of course he picked that up from his roommate instead of something more useful, like say... fencing technique. But he digresses.

“So, Nicholas…” Aiden says, peering at him. “Let’s consider what’s troubling you, hmm?”

“I’m fine,” comes the morose answer.

Aiden sighs inwardly. Sixteen-year-olds! As if Aiden can’t see where Nicholas’s eyes slip to every few minutes, before becoming even more sullen.

“Let’s consider the evidence, shall we?” Aiden loves unravelling a mystery. “When we arrived you were in great spirits and joking around. Nothing happened in between, not even a fight with Seiji. So it can’t be something you experienced directly or heard from someone - it can only be something you’ve seen… or rather, someone,” he says, stressing the last syllable perhaps more cruelly than necessary. But one had to be rough in such situations.

“And judging by the direction of your stares for the past hour or so, that person is over there with the Exton team.” He pauses, noting how Nicholas’s expression is darkening even further. Good, probably he won’t deny it then. Time for the decisive blow.

“That person being… Robert Coste.”

Nicholas jolts. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he mutters.

“Oh no? Let’s see,” Aiden says and starts ticking off one item after another. “One: diminished self-concept and compromised physical and emotional security, or in other words having a feeling of abandonment, struggling with your emotions and episodic bouts of self-loathing.”

“Hey, who-” Nicholas starts saying, but Aiden just talks over him. The most efficient solution, really.

“Two: behavioural problems, including difficulties with social adjustment, developing a swaggering persona in an attempt to disguise underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness.”

“Oy! I’m perfectly social! Well, at Kings Row anyway,” Nicholas grumbles.

“Three: truancy and poor academic performance,” Aiden delivers with his best teacher voice, before being interrupted yet again. 

“What! THAT’s not important right now!” Nicholas shouts. “And my grades are better now, in any case,” he adds in a mutter.

“Four: delinquency and youth crime…?” Aiden trails off, a bit unsure of that one.

“NO! … I had other things to do.”

“Five: promiscuity and teen pregnancy--” Aiden pauses and looks Nicholas over. “Well, maybe not in your case. But overall, the conclusion is obvious: a clear case of father absence.”

“Wha- how- why would you-” Nicholas has to pause and breathe. “Where did you even get all that?” he nearly shouts.

Aiden raises an eyebrow. “_Psychology Today_, of course.” He’s tempted to add, _What? Hot rich guys can read too_.

“Well, I think that’s a load of crap,” Nicholas says vehemently. “Besides, it could apply to anyone!”

“We’re not talking about just anyone, we’re talking about you,” Aiden informs him, and Nicholas subsides. “The problem here is for you to ask yourself: what matters more, a person who’s never been there for you, or your team?” He looks Nicholas in the eye expectantly and inwardly crosses his fingers that his strategy will go according to plan.

Nicholas has gone a little bit pale. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, and if I did, why _shouldn’t_ I care about how he-- about how people see me?”

“Why _should_ you care?” Aiden returns drily.

Nicholas looks taken aback at that. “Oh. That actually reminds me of Coach Williams’s opinion. She said…” He frowns, clearly trying to remember. “She said, ‘You were worried about failing in the eyes of someone else. What others think doesn’t matter, Nicholas. When you fence, don’t think about the outcome of the match. Don’t think about winning. Winning is a **distraction**.’”

Aiden blinks. That’s well put. And more importantly, it seems to be helping Nicholas.

“Wise words. So: what does matter, Nicholas?”

The boy clenches his jaw and stands up straighter. “This. Fencing. Fencing matters. And people who are proud of you.”

_Then maybe you should go to them_, Aiden prepares to say, but before he can open his mouth, Nicholas has stridden away. 

Aiden follows him just in time to hear Nicholas say firmly to the rest of the Kings Row team, “I’m here. I’m ready to fence.” 

Aiden locks eyes with Harvard and nods at him. They’re ready for the quarter-final now. _Go make us even prouder, Nicholas_, he thinks.


End file.
